My Life in the Gush of Boasts

by UnFun

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1.
in school I graduated in the middle of my class always just good enough to pass held after class for sass I was mostly unexceptional in mostly every way now that the boasting's out the way let's start the song - it's been a long time since I've tried to rap n' I'm feeling self conscious about making this happen got a masters degree and a mid-life crisis afraid I'm getting old and unhireable 33 years old, I can't have much more left but at least I still spit golden fireaballs 33 years old and a child at heart but I've got miserly bachelor down to an art though I'm young, bold, restless, beautiful, and generally hospitable I've lost the eyepatch because gimmicks are tired it's the survival of diarist – sorry – most dire besides, I've been busy for the last few years filled a glass with tears, built some lasting fears served tables, made some art, pushed through grad school kissed girls, made them cry, but I mostly felt bad too I'm not the worst boyfriend like a newsweek special but I am the worst boyfriend I started drinking coffee, and I started drinking I'm a lightweight at both, though I'm more of a heavy I'm afraid it's too much when I'm drinking any so I hit the shops for a variety pack of sobriety snacks I'm going to die in three acts: one – kidney two – kidneys three – gone - my time is super precious but my money's even moreso got a tattoo of a rabbit and a turtle on my torso when I'm topless near a mirror they race through my vision reminding me eternally I oughta be efficient When I spit I just say words without any higher plans but when I vomit it's not vomit it's a stream of fire ants folks say write what you know because they want me writing nothing but I'm too dumb to fall for that I'm too dumb to fall for that the whole livin' world is trying to stop me but I'm driving pretty hard in my pickup jalopy my mic distorts when I turn up and shout and I'm not sure what other rappers talk about I also don't care, but let's keep that between us you won't find my stuff being dissected on rap genius look all I'm saying is: you snooze, you snooze stay asleep on your couch, it's the new thing to do wear water shoes in the lake so yr toes don't get smashed up and slip on the taps before you slip into bathtubs - I take the fire alarm off the ceiling when I'm cooking because I'm kicking up smoke, because I'm not a rookie I'll bake a pie for dinner – that's how I flirt and when I make the meal, I skip dessert after all - who needs ice cream after all that pie I ate plus if I die of diabetes then I will die irate
2.
03:27
what is that funky sound? if it's not hip hop I don't want it around what is that funky sound? if it's not hip hop I don't want it around - goal number one is to have no witnesses goal number two is abiogenesis goal number three is to be men of action goal number four is complete rarefaction - as long as I'm alive I will attempt to sublimate pushing feelings into art and not despair and when I die, I hope my body sublimates my being wicking gently into air - - I don't want to seem like an unrealistic kind of guy but if I can't get killed by dinosaurs then I don't want to die and everyone can tell I'm tough if I just tell them loud enough I'l sap 'em if I have to, although I lost my pinkie in a street fight now my knuckles say "hug life" and I'm uncomfortable with shaking hands so who knows, I just might I'm starting a club called team heartbreaker you can join if you can make me cry there's an open challenge, a membership card and a wind up airplane that really flies! I have a million ideas and mostly they're all bad but if I don't write them down when one is good I might not grab it but if it's in a notebook I'm subjecting you to it it's Zimbardo-style science I'd recommend you just skip through it - - what is that funky sound? if it's not hip hop I don't want it around what is that funky sound? if it's not hip hop I don't want it around - goal number one is to have no witnesses goal number two is abiogenesis goal number three is to be men of action goal number four is complete rarefaction - as long as I'm alive I will attempt to sublimate pushing feelings into art and not despair and when I die, I hope my body sublimates my being wicking gently into air - - I'm a freeway-riding cowboy full of testestern swimming at the pool of your local best western a convention of dentists shoots ugly scowls from the hot tub to the plastic chairs, all their bleachy towels sit quiet near my leather boots, my holster and my gun I stand chaps-deep in my cowboy hat, protector of all fun roll heavy in my '81, blood on all my fenders defender of the common man, standing vigil when there's a riot at the whole foods, baguettes for bats in battle making molotov cocktails out of olive oil bottles and I'll be parked out back with my tirejack when there's a shark attack at the taco shack like a not-so-super superhero which I guess is just a hero I'm here to punch, I'm here to yell I'm here to instill fear, though, am I not a rapper, am I not a cool dude? when I chart my course on paper like a nautical dude - it says I'm just a weirdo and I don't deserve the cheers and imagine if I did this stuff more than once a year so when I finish my set y'all gonna clap or what? please understand I'm not a rapper I just rap a lot so a polite applause will do for me - what is that funky sound? if it's not hip hop I don't want it around what is that funky sound? if it's not hip hop I don't want it around - goal number one is to have no witnesses goal number two is abiogenesis goal number three is to be men of action goal number four is complete rarefaction- as long as I'm alive I will attempt to sublimate pushing feelings into art and not despair and when I die, I hope my body sublimates my being wicking gently into air
3.
02:45
I took a picture of a wall at the la brea tar pits full of dire wolf skulls, 'cause they all had fallen in so when you ask “who's your hero” at a job interview what I think about's those wolves and if I'd keep swimmin' through that pool of tar, and would I eat my tar neighbor? if the wolf I loved fell in would I risk my life to save her? here is the deal, is that I'm getting fatter but I need you like Alice needs the mad hatter because: you are crazy but you point the way, see I'd be lost without you - finna take you on a picnic 'cause I like you like my coffee with grounds on yr bottom, wrapped in plaid in a thermos, staying warm, next to a plastic bag full of cookies that I baked **** and maybe maybe there'll be a baby wearing a shirt that says “dads are rad” I wanna be a rich dad all saying coochie-coo in my gucci shoes and then I'm smooching you because you are the mother you've got it covered the job not the meal it's a picnic, don't bother everything ahead is tough but it won't get us everything above is cumulo-stratus everything ahead is tough but it won't get us everything above is cumulo-stratus - - I don't need you like a kidney but I need you like an arm if you reduced into a gas then I would keep you in my lungs I don't need you like a kidney but I need you like an arm if I could wear you as a shirt I would destroy you over time - - and after it's over, we've been the two-one and now we're two ones, am I gonna move on? who can ever say, we can only contemplate all I know is that I think that outer space is great I've got a picture of you inside a heart-shaped locket and a packet of blackjack right here in my pocket but I'm stuffing them both in a model rocket ship and after take-off I don't know what'll happen t'wit - and even if all that's left of me when I die is a memory I hope that it's intertwined with thoughts of the person I loved so long and so hard that we've become one for the bulk of the run we're a buttress, we're equal if we're partners, we're partners, no one's a cathedral I think that if you know me, you know me, you know me you know exactly where we stand, because my mother's been making fun of me for wearing my heart on my sleeve but that's just where I wipe my nose when I sneeze so I guess I blew it out the front of my face - - I don't need you like a kidney but I need you like an arm if you reduced into a gas then I would keep you in my lungs I don't need you like a kidney but I need you like an arm if I could wear you as a shirt I would destroy you over time I don't need you like a kidney but I need you like an arm wish I could grind you into coffee, keep some with me all the time
4.
this track is about growing up in the eighties and quarter life crises and failing with ladies 'bout hanging with friends writing beats in the basement looking on back wondering where all the days went professional resume starts to get stale i consider a phd through the mail but if you confront me, say "you're dropping the pace" you're risking receiving a flop to the face 'cause i'm a sensitive dude and i hustle like pre I just got lots to do gotta write, gotta eat gotta watch cartoons, and I gotta nap gotta work, gotta nap gotta try to rap - so i wipe the blood off the dance floor with a towel and i wipe the blood off the dance floor with a scowl and i turn to the dj, say sorry, you're fired we've got a cybernet speaker system which i've rewired to make music for me so now i'm retired you think i'm sick of the game? oh no, i just beat it being handed all the quarters that you drop in to feed it - - If there's a problem, yo I'll defeat it check out the hook while my gameboy repeats it - - went back to college for a year where I studied rap, and we looked at advances made by the Japanese and turntable culture and Flash and his white lines but I just perched looking out for the right time keeping fame in my sightlines practiced writing those tight rhymes and now I'm here, wherever that is not into fighting over who is the baddest I just wanna make money buy some turntables, break some hearts, and go home I don't wanna make out anymore look man, I've worked through that phase and I don't wanna make a ton of money, just enough to guarantee that I'll always be the scummiest dude in the house - my post-showering toweling ritual had left me displeased and scowling (da da da) I had been cold, I felt my feet damp so I went and installed a heat lamp now my bathroom's so bright that I've gotta wear shades I'm running low on pants and I'm running low on money and I can't buy more pants without more money so I'm selling my plasma and I'm selling my seed and when I'm low on cash I'm not above selling some weed (half time) but that's not manufactured by my body so I'd have to find a source and if I had that kind of time I do not think I'd be this poor really I'd like a job where I serve a purpose or a job where I surf a porpoise either one of those would be okay - - If there's a problem, yo I'll defeat it check out the hook while my gameboy repeats it - - potayto potahto either way it's a tuber taking over situations like my name is Hans Gruber the story of my days at home I cook for two, I eat alone I'll take a bowl of uncle sam cereal and a hot mug of postem please this time around I'm trying to embrace myself not like pretending to make out in the corner but like representing me instead of representing some ideal that I'm squeezing myself into - rappers are black, and rappers are jewish and I'm sort of a combo 'cause I'm so white I'm bluish I got more plans than I can handle call me scandal Reggie Mantle I can't deal with raising humor up above infantile disney fired all the folks who watch for flashers on splash mountain but they still have time to yell at me when I scatter porn on the matterhorn I'm not gonna settle down in any little town I'll just piddle around until my life is over - - If there's a problem, yo I'll defeat it check out the hook while my gameboy repeats it
5.
02:56
this year's kickin' jokes with friends fixed-gear skitchin' broken legs this year's kickin' jokes with friends fixed-gear skitchin' broken legs fell off my skateboard trying to olly we creepin' we creepin' we never get salty we gonna boot rear we drinkin' root beer we gonna boot rear we drinkin' root beer - - driving cross-country - feeling great lusting for cars, women, and real estate hitting every mini-golf course that we pass sleeping in canyons, skipping our class wearing a bathrobe, kazoos on the stage throwing authority into a rage it's a summer jam, 'cause it's always the summer last one jumping off of this bridge is a sucker the joys of adulthood are roughly the same as childhood hobbies and childhood games so let's get an ice cream, watch a cartoon hey Chairface is carving his face on the moon! let's sit in a diner at two am draw on the placemats, la vie boheme no matter how this lifetime ends it's fine with me if I go with friends - - I wish I were better at keeping in touch I'll write you a letter but won't tell you much but when we're together we've never been apart we're writing we're laughing we're straight from the start to tell you you matter to tell you I care when I leave you I gotta give you hugs for a year when I leave you I gotta give you hugs for a year - - this year's kickin' jokes with friends fixed-gear skitchin' broken legs this year's kickin' jokes with friends fixed-gear skitchin' broken legs scalpin' homemade tickets in front of free events we creepin' we creepin' our friendship's immense we gonna boot rear we drinkin' root beer we gonna boot rear we drinkin' root beer - - yo I got no car and yeah I got no girl but hey I got no cares in the western world and I make enough to feed my face and just enough to rest my feet and shower and then hit CVS to see'f I'm on tiger beat (half-time) 'cause I'll never know if I made it 'cause I don't own a tv and I can't trust my friends' reports 'cause they believe in me - - I wish I could believe in heaven and hell or in reincarnation but as far as I can tell when you die, you die when you live your life it's just a small interruption in an eternity of darkness so you gotta live well and you gotta keep folks dear and that's why when I leave you you get hugs for a year - - this year's kickin' jokes with friends fixed-gear skitchin' broken legs this year's kickin' jokes with friends fixed-gear skitchin' broken legs driving through snow hunting for ghosts we creepin' we creepin' and I love you the most we gonna boot rear we drinkin' root beer we gonna boot rear we drinkin' root beer
6.
after unbiased review of my personal qualities I'm loosening up on nonsensical policies but I like to remind folks that when they express their allergies explosively it's weird to say god bless but it's a cultural norm so we ignore what it means and I'd prefer it if they'd dracula their face into their sleeves the reductions in transmissions of diseases are huge it's for the good of everyone but they don't like me tellin' 'em which is why they call me elbow-sneezer scrooge - I was trained in crime by Luke Perry in the petty theft world known as the crook fairy but I made a decree to waste my degree and now I'm shooting mumblecore with Albus Dumbledore - we're making a film of Titus Andronicus our shots and our actors are all tight-ish/androgynous - my fashion choices look this way because I'm punk rock, not broke at least that's what the girls think or at least I hope I do my laundry every 27 days 'cause I own 27 pairs of underwear without holes my whole life is a self portrait but so's yours I'm so enthusiastic about washing my ears that I've got twinner ear infections and I cry wax tears when I cry, which, no lie, happens every time I watch a movie where a family loves each other, aww - so I'm an ochre ogre drinking coca cola when I croak and mold you'll be like yo I told ya' that you shouldn't drink the high-fructose corn sy-rup releasing noxious gases when you bur-up and I feel like a hat on a cotton roof - I may not sleep well at night but I eat well whenever I eat which I do with enough frequency to keep both my belly and my wallet fat I'm not a squalid cat but I'm a little bit feast or famine and hell yeah I'm rolling big put money in the bank but still keeping a fig- ure in my pocket, at least two digits at all times like a cowboy rocking the thumbs I have fifty-eight dollars in my pocket and twenty-three more in the bank gonna spend it all on model rockets and send my heart into space - a lady sits down across from me and says you look smart, let's talk philosophy and eat a six course meal; I'm thinkin' transcendental we'd hardly cut rolls when up rolls my lincoln continental too early in the evening to take me home my driver steps out in a fake mink coat I make my chauffeur wear faux furs because it's the proper and civilized thing to do - I'll end my final album repeating "I'll affect you slowly" Richard Brautigan will be so proud and then he'll say "follow in my footsteps, son" so I'll go out and buy a gun and drugs and I'll move to San Francisco where I'll sell all my belongings and move in with a polar bear

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A new ep? A new mixtape? Samples and stuff? I guess that's what's happening.

It's been a long time in the making. That's a lie. It's been a long time. This only took like two weeks to make. It has some good stuff on it and also some stuff.

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released March 1, 2016

Uncle Fungus

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Jim Hickcox Austin, Texas

Jim makes music under many different monikers, in many different ways, in many different places. Some of it is worthwhile. A lot of it is by himself. That part is what's on here.

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