My Life in the Gush of Boasts

by UnFun

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02:56
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about

A new ep? A new mixtape? Samples and stuff? I guess that's what's happening.

It's been a long time in the making. That's a lie. It's been a long time. This only took like two weeks to make. It has some good stuff on it and also some stuff.

credits

released March 1, 2016

Uncle Fungus

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about

Jim Hickcox Austin, Texas

Jim makes music under many different monikers, in many different ways, in many different places. Some of it is worthwhile. A lot of it is by himself. That part is what's on here.

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Track Name: Survival of the Diarist
in school I graduated in the middle of my class
always just good enough to pass
held after class for sass
I was mostly unexceptional in mostly every way
now that the boasting's out the way
let's start the song
-
it's been a long time since I've tried to rap n'
I'm feeling self conscious about making this happen
got a masters degree and a mid-life crisis
afraid I'm getting old and unhireable
33 years old, I can't have much more left
but at least I still spit golden fireaballs
33 years old and a child at heart
but I've got miserly bachelor down to an art
though I'm young, bold, restless, beautiful, and generally hospitable
I've lost the eyepatch because gimmicks are tired
it's the survival of diarist – sorry – most dire
besides, I've been busy for the last few years
filled a glass with tears, built some lasting fears
served tables, made some art, pushed through grad school
kissed girls, made them cry, but I mostly felt bad too
I'm not the worst boyfriend like a newsweek special
but I am the worst boyfriend
I started drinking coffee, and I started drinking
I'm a lightweight at both, though I'm more of a heavy
I'm afraid it's too much when I'm drinking any
so I hit the shops for a variety pack of sobriety snacks
I'm going to die in three acts:
one – kidney
two – kidneys
three – gone
-
my time is super precious
but my money's even moreso
got a tattoo of a rabbit and a turtle on my torso
when I'm topless near a mirror
they race through my vision
reminding me eternally
I oughta be efficient
When I spit I just say words without any higher plans
but when I vomit it's not vomit it's a stream of fire ants
folks say write what you know
because they want me writing nothing
but I'm too dumb to fall for that
I'm too dumb to fall for that
the whole livin' world is trying to stop me
but I'm driving pretty hard in my pickup jalopy
my mic distorts when I turn up and shout
and I'm not sure what other rappers talk about
I also don't care, but let's keep that between us
you won't find my stuff being dissected on rap genius
look all I'm saying is: you snooze, you snooze
stay asleep on your couch, it's the new thing to do
wear water shoes in the lake so yr toes don't get smashed up
and slip on the taps before you slip into bathtubs
-
I take the fire alarm off the ceiling when I'm cooking
because I'm kicking up smoke, because I'm not a rookie
I'll bake a pie for dinner – that's how I flirt
and when I make the meal, I skip dessert
after all - who needs ice cream
after all that pie I ate
plus if I die of diabetes
then I will die irate
Track Name: Hug Life
what is that funky sound?
if it's not hip hop I don't want it around
what is that funky sound?
if it's not hip hop I don't want it around
-
goal number one is to have no witnesses
goal number two is abiogenesis
goal number three is to be men of action
goal number four is complete rarefaction
-
as long as I'm alive I will attempt to sublimate
pushing feelings into art and not despair
and when I die, I hope my body sublimates
my being wicking gently into air
-
-
I don't want to seem like an unrealistic kind of guy
but if I can't get killed by dinosaurs then I don't want to die
and everyone can tell I'm tough if I just tell them loud enough
I'l sap 'em if I have to, although
I lost my pinkie in a street fight
now my knuckles say "hug life"
and I'm uncomfortable with shaking hands
so who knows, I just might
I'm starting a club called team heartbreaker
you can join if you can make me cry
there's an open challenge, a membership card
and a wind up airplane that really flies!
I have a million ideas and mostly they're all bad but
if I don't write them down when one is good I might not grab it
but if it's in a notebook I'm subjecting you to it
it's Zimbardo-style science I'd recommend you just skip through it
-
-
what is that funky sound?
if it's not hip hop I don't want it around
what is that funky sound?
if it's not hip hop I don't want it around
-
goal number one is to have no witnesses
goal number two is abiogenesis
goal number three is to be men of action
goal number four is complete rarefaction
-
as long as I'm alive I will attempt to sublimate
pushing feelings into art and not despair
and when I die, I hope my body sublimates
my being wicking gently into air
-
-
I'm a freeway-riding cowboy
full of testestern
swimming at the pool
of your local best western
a convention of dentists shoots ugly scowls
from the hot tub to the plastic chairs, all their bleachy towels
sit quiet near my leather boots, my holster and my gun
I stand chaps-deep in my cowboy hat, protector of all fun
roll heavy in my '81, blood on all my fenders
defender of the common man, standing vigil when there's
a riot at the whole foods, baguettes for bats in battle
making molotov cocktails out of olive oil bottles
and I'll be parked out back with my tirejack
when there's a shark attack at the taco shack
like a not-so-super superhero
which I guess is just a hero
I'm here to punch, I'm here to yell
I'm here to instill fear, though,
am I not a rapper, am I not a cool dude?
when I chart my course on paper like a nautical dude -
it says I'm just a weirdo and I don't deserve the cheers
and imagine if I did this stuff more than once a year
so when I finish my set y'all gonna clap or what?
please understand I'm not a rapper I just rap a lot
so a polite applause will do for me
-
what is that funky sound?
if it's not hip hop I don't want it around
what is that funky sound?
if it's not hip hop I don't want it around
-
goal number one is to have no witnesses
goal number two is abiogenesis
goal number three is to be men of action
goal number four is complete rarefaction-

as long as I'm alive I will attempt to sublimate
pushing feelings into art and not despair
and when I die, I hope my body sublimates
my being wicking gently into air
Track Name: No Future
I took a picture of a wall at the la brea tar pits
full of dire wolf skulls, 'cause they all had fallen in
so when you ask “who's your hero” at a job interview
what I think about's those wolves and if I'd keep swimmin' through
that pool of tar, and would I eat my tar neighbor?
if the wolf I loved fell in
would I risk my life to save her?
here is the deal, is that I'm getting fatter
but I need you like Alice needs the mad hatter
because: you are crazy
but you point the way, see
I'd be lost without you
-
finna take you on a picnic 'cause I like you like my coffee
with grounds on yr bottom, wrapped in plaid
in a thermos, staying warm, next to a plastic bag
full of cookies that I baked ****
and maybe maybe there'll be a baby
wearing a shirt that says “dads are rad”
I wanna be a rich dad all saying coochie-coo
in my gucci shoes
and then I'm smooching you
because you are the mother
you've got it covered
the job not the meal
it's a picnic, don't bother
everything ahead is tough but it won't get us
everything above is cumulo-stratus
everything ahead is tough but it won't get us
everything above is cumulo-stratus
-
-
I don't need you like a kidney but I need you like an arm
if you reduced into a gas then I would keep you in my lungs
I don't need you like a kidney but I need you like an arm
if I could wear you as a shirt I would destroy you over time
-
-
and after it's over, we've been the two-one
and now we're two ones, am I gonna move on?
who can ever say, we can only contemplate
all I know is that I think that outer space is great
I've got a picture of you inside a heart-shaped locket
and a packet of blackjack right here in my pocket
but I'm stuffing them both in a model rocket ship
and after take-off I don't know what'll happen t'wit
-
and even if all that's left of me
when I die is a memory
I hope that it's intertwined with thoughts of the person I loved
so long and so hard that we've become one
for the bulk of the run we're a buttress, we're equal
if we're partners, we're partners, no one's a cathedral
I think that if you know me, you know me, you know me
you know exactly where we stand, because
my mother's been making fun of me
for wearing my heart on my sleeve
but that's just where I wipe my nose when I sneeze
so I guess I blew it out the front of my face
-
-
I don't need you like a kidney but I need you like an arm
if you reduced into a gas then I would keep you in my lungs
I don't need you like a kidney but I need you like an arm
if I could wear you as a shirt I would destroy you over time
I don't need you like a kidney but I need you like an arm
wish I could grind you into coffee, keep some with me all the time
Track Name: the Secret of the Sword
this track is about
growing up in the eighties
and quarter life crises
and failing with ladies
'bout hanging with friends
writing beats in the basement
looking on back
wondering where all the days went
professional resume starts to get stale
i consider a phd through the mail
but if you confront me, say "you're dropping the pace"
you're risking receiving a flop to the face
'cause i'm a sensitive dude
and i hustle like pre
I just got lots to do
gotta write, gotta eat
gotta watch cartoons, and I gotta nap
gotta work, gotta nap
gotta try to rap
-
so i wipe the blood off the dance floor with a towel
and i wipe the blood off the dance floor with a scowl
and i turn to the dj, say sorry, you're fired
we've got a cybernet speaker system which i've rewired
to make music for me so now i'm retired
you think i'm sick of the game?
oh no, i just beat it
being handed all the quarters that you drop in to feed it
-
-
If there's a problem, yo I'll defeat it
check out the hook while my gameboy repeats it
-
-
went back to college for a year
where I studied rap, and we
looked at advances made by the Japanese
and turntable culture and Flash and his white lines
but I just perched looking out for the right time
keeping fame in my sightlines
practiced writing those tight rhymes
and now I'm here, wherever that is
not into fighting over who is the baddest
I just wanna make money
buy some turntables, break some hearts, and go home
I don't wanna make out anymore
look man, I've worked through that phase
and I don't wanna make a ton of money,
just enough to guarantee that I'll always be
the scummiest dude in the house
-
my post-showering toweling ritual
had left me displeased and scowling (da da da)
I had been cold, I felt my feet damp
so I went and installed a heat lamp
now my bathroom's so bright that I've gotta wear shades
I'm running low on pants and I'm running low on money
and I can't buy more pants without more money
so I'm selling my plasma and I'm selling my seed
and when I'm low on cash I'm not above selling some weed
(half time)
but that's not manufactured by my body so I'd have to find a source
and if I had that kind of time I do not think I'd be this poor
really I'd like a job where I serve a purpose
or a job where I surf a porpoise
either one of those would be okay
-
-
If there's a problem, yo I'll defeat it
check out the hook while my gameboy repeats it
-
-
potayto potahto either way it's a tuber
taking over situations like my name is Hans Gruber
the story of my days at home
I cook for two, I eat alone
I'll take a bowl of uncle sam cereal
and a hot mug of postem please
this time around I'm trying to embrace myself
not like pretending to make out in the corner
but like representing me instead of representing some ideal
that I'm squeezing myself into
-
rappers are black, and rappers are jewish
and I'm sort of a combo 'cause I'm so white I'm bluish
I got more plans than I can handle
call me scandal Reggie Mantle
I can't deal with raising humor up above infantile
disney fired all the folks who watch for flashers on splash mountain
but they still have time to yell at me when I scatter porn on the matterhorn
I'm not gonna settle down
in any little town
I'll just piddle around
until my life is over
-
-
If there's a problem, yo I'll defeat it
check out the hook while my gameboy repeats it
Track Name: cccreepers
this year's kickin'
jokes with friends
fixed-gear skitchin'
broken legs
this year's kickin'
jokes with friends
fixed-gear skitchin'
broken legs
fell off my skateboard
trying to olly
we creepin' we creepin'
we never get salty
we gonna boot rear
we drinkin' root beer
we gonna boot rear
we drinkin' root beer
-
-
driving cross-country - feeling great
lusting for cars, women, and real estate
hitting every mini-golf course that we pass
sleeping in canyons, skipping our class
wearing a bathrobe, kazoos on the stage
throwing authority into a rage
it's a summer jam, 'cause it's always the summer
last one jumping off of this bridge is a sucker
the joys of adulthood are roughly the same
as childhood hobbies and childhood games
so let's get an ice cream, watch a cartoon
hey Chairface is carving his face on the moon!
let's sit in a diner at two am
draw on the placemats, la vie boheme
no matter how this lifetime ends
it's fine with me if I go with friends
-
-
I wish I were better
at keeping in touch
I'll write you a letter
but won't tell you much
but when we're together
we've never been apart
we're writing we're laughing
we're straight from the start
to tell you you matter
to tell you I care
when I leave you I gotta give you
hugs for a year
when I leave you I gotta give you
hugs for a year
-
-
this year's kickin'
jokes with friends
fixed-gear skitchin'
broken legs
this year's kickin'
jokes with friends
fixed-gear skitchin'
broken legs
scalpin' homemade tickets
in front of free events
we creepin' we creepin'
our friendship's immense
we gonna boot rear
we drinkin' root beer
we gonna boot rear
we drinkin' root beer
-
-
yo I got no car and
yeah I got no girl but
hey I got no cares in the
western world and
I make enough to feed my face and
just enough to rest my feet and
shower and then hit CVS
to see'f I'm on tiger beat
(half-time)
'cause I'll never know if I made it
'cause I don't own a tv and
I can't trust my friends' reports
'cause they believe in me
-
-
I wish I could believe
in heaven and hell
or in reincarnation
but as far as I can tell
when you die, you die
when you live your life it's
just a small interruption
in an eternity of darkness
so you gotta live well
and you gotta keep folks dear
and that's why when I leave you you get
hugs for a year
-
-
this year's kickin'
jokes with friends
fixed-gear skitchin'
broken legs
this year's kickin'
jokes with friends
fixed-gear skitchin'
broken legs
driving through snow
hunting for ghosts
we creepin' we creepin'
and I love you the most
we gonna boot rear
we drinkin' root beer
we gonna boot rear
we drinkin' root beer
Track Name: Who Produced You?
after unbiased review of my personal qualities
I'm loosening up on nonsensical policies
but I like to remind folks that when they express
their allergies explosively it's weird to say god bless
but it's a cultural norm so we ignore what it means
and I'd prefer it if they'd dracula their face into their sleeves
the reductions in transmissions of diseases are huge
it's for the good of everyone but they don't like me tellin' 'em
which is why they call me elbow-sneezer scrooge
-
I was trained in crime by Luke Perry
in the petty theft world known as the crook fairy
but I made a decree to waste my degree
and now I'm shooting mumblecore with Albus Dumbledore -
we're making a film of Titus Andronicus
our shots and our actors are all tight-ish/androgynous
-
my fashion choices look this way
because I'm punk rock, not broke
at least that's what the girls think
or at least I hope
I do my laundry every 27 days 'cause I own
27 pairs of underwear without holes
my whole life is a self portrait
but so's yours
I'm so enthusiastic about washing my ears
that I've got twinner ear infections and I cry wax tears
when I cry, which, no lie, happens every time
I watch a movie where a family loves each other, aww
-
so I'm an ochre ogre drinking coca cola
when I croak and mold you'll be like yo I told ya'
that you shouldn't drink the high-fructose corn sy-rup
releasing noxious gases when you bur-up
and I feel like a hat on a cotton roof
-
I may not sleep well at night
but I eat well whenever I eat
which I do with enough frequency
to keep both my belly and my wallet fat
I'm not a squalid cat
but I'm a little bit feast or famine
and hell yeah I'm rolling big
put money in the bank but still keeping a fig-
ure in my pocket, at least two digits at all times
like a cowboy rocking the thumbs
I have fifty-eight dollars in my pocket
and twenty-three more in the bank
gonna spend it all on model rockets
and send my heart into space
-
a lady sits down across from me
and says you look smart, let's talk philosophy
and eat a six course meal; I'm thinkin' transcendental
we'd hardly cut rolls when up rolls my lincoln continental
too early in the evening to take me home
my driver steps out in a fake mink coat
I make my chauffeur wear faux furs because it's the proper
and civilized thing to do
-
I'll end my final album
repeating "I'll affect you slowly"
Richard Brautigan will be so proud and then
he'll say "follow in my footsteps, son"
so I'll go out and buy a gun
and drugs
and I'll move to San Francisco where
I'll sell all my belongings
and move in with a polar bear